


Productivity

by penguinpatrolerarmy



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Depression, Executive Dysfuntion, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Showers, depending on how you read this Mr. Heere may or may not have a squip, i haven't decided so if you think that then it's totally valid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 07:56:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20224444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penguinpatrolerarmy/pseuds/penguinpatrolerarmy
Summary: Mr. Heere isn't having the best of days today.





	Productivity

**Author's Note:**

> Regarding the tags: Self Harm via Showering with too hot of water, And Very vaguely described emotional abuse. 
> 
> This is somewhat a vent fic but I think i kept it pretty in character. If ya like this fic leave a comment!

Linus Heere was currently laying on his side, in the same position he’d been in for a few hours now. He hadn’t gotten up all morning; not for food, not to shower, not to even just walk around his house. He just laid there, engulfed in blankets that were maybe just a bit too warm… And yet he couldn’t find the strength to care.

He was absolutely exhausted and he hadn’t even done anything. And thinking about it just made him guilty… He had been doing better. He went to work, he spent time with his son, he even had a steady boyfriend now… But these days still came, these days where no matter what he tried he just couldn’t feel anything but a crippling numbness…

**It's not numb, you're just too lazy to get off your ass and do something.**

The only thing worse than the numbness was the voice… The very distinct voice that just belittled and battered him the more he listened to it. It sounded like _her_, of course. No one else’s voice. Not Jeremy’s occasional concerns or quiet chuckles, Not Rocky’s sometimes frantic but always understanding tone… No it was just her… Her yells, her reprimands, sometimes if he focused too much on it he could even feel her hurting him.

He flinched at the sound of knocking on his door, but even that small bit of fear soon just faded to nothing. The door opened, and someone walked inside.

“Dad?” Jeremy… Of course it was Jeremy, they were the only two in the house. Linus glanced over his shoulder, looking at his son with a tired expression. Jeremy seemed to gather most of the information just from that. He walked closer, wrapping an arm over him.

“I’m gonna go out with my friends for a bit.” He informed.

Linus slipped his arms out of the blankets, hugging his son. “Alright… Be back before dark, please.”

“…Do you want me to bring home dinner, Dad?”

Linus shook his head. “No, no that’s alright Jeremy… Don’t worry about it.”

Jeremy gave him a look, sighing for a moment. “Okay. But, promise me you’ll eat something before I get home…. Please?”

Linus nodded. “I will.” He had to do it now. He may have been depressed, but Jeremy was one of the few things that could make him get up and do something. His son left the room, not shutting the door behind him (likely to give Linus more insentive to leave). Still, even after he heard the front door of the house open and shut, he stayed in bed for another good 30 minutes. After that, his body decided he was just too hungry to ignore it anymore.

He walked into the kitchen, scratching his ass with the fabric of his sweatpants. He glanced into fridge first; Milk, Tomato Sauce, Leftover Take-Out, Eggs (He could cook those, but it'd be too much extra work right now to make them something he'd actually eat) and Cheese; Then the Cabinates; Instant Ramen, a baking mix for pizza dough, Spice Packets, Cooking Oil, And no pancake mix or cereal. He pulled out an instant ramen cup. He usually kept them around for these days, anyways. They were easy to make (Not quite as easy as a hot pocket, as Rocky would say, but presently they had none), they were some of the few things he could cook with low-energy.

**You're just too lazy to cook any real breakfast food.**

Linus shook his head. "I haven't listened to you for a month, I'm not starting now." He declared.

**That's not how I trained you to behave.**

"The only voice I'm going to focus on is my own, If my son can do it than so can I... Hush up."

Linus was met with quiet. The same quiet that had been enveloping the house all morning. He poured some boiled water into his ramen, then walked out to his back-porch... It was something his new therepist had reccomended, to spend at least some of his low-energy days in his back yard if it could be managed. It was still quite cool out, a few chirping birds could be heard in the trees, but the sun was shining just as nicely. He sat on an old outdoor chair that had been somewhat whethered, stirring the noodles in their broth for a bit and letting himself just be in the moment.

He wasn't sure if he'd call it a good moment, but focusing on being there alliviated some of his apathy.

* * *

For a while, Linus just sat there, eating his unconventional breakfast. At one point some birds fluttered down on the grass to forage, giving him a bit of entertainment as he slurped and chewed. It was small, but it was something... Then, his phone buzzed, taking him away from the moment. It was ringing, though he always kept it on vibrate. He let it go for a few moments, adjusting to the sudden change, then answered it.

"Hello?"

"Morning, Linus."

Ah, that was the voice of his boyfriend. "Morning, Rocky. Why are you calling?"

"I just wanted see what you were up to, chat a bit." Rocky sounded rather cheery on the other end.

"I'm eating Ramen on my back porch."

"Ah... You alright?" Rocky was fairly informed about his routines, which ones he used on which days... And which things were a sure sign that it might be a bad day for him.

Linus took a breath. "I don't know to be perfectly honest... But, I will be. I always am."

"Right, good... You keep up that mindset. Do you want me to come over?"

Linus thought about it genuinely. While he loved Rocky, and a part of him did want the company, there was an underlying uncertainty. "Um... I don't think today would be a good day, Tomorrow maybe."

"Okay, Just wanted to offer while I was here."

Linus breathed for a moment, letting his brain settle itself. "Well, enough about me, How has your day been? And while you're at it, yesterday too. We didn't get to talk much yesterday."

Rocky went on to talk about how both days had gone. Friday had been a usual work day for him, with the exception of his hot-pocket stash from the teacher's lounge needing to be replenished. This morning had consisted of him going to the store to retrieve said hot-pockets, as well as sitting down working on one of his old plays to see if it could be reworked and improved upon. Though, at the moment, he was stuck on a scene between the love interests.

"I like how it goes but, I feel like it needs a certain... Something. Something to make it the full moment I know it can be." Rocky sighed.

"You'll get there. Maybe for now instead of focusing on the thing you're stuck on, try to fix up some other spots and come back to it." That, conicidentally, was also Linus and Jeremy's meathod for cleaning their house. Do one task, if it's to stressful to complete go back to it later. "That, or you might need to step away for a bit... You said you were working on it all week, right?"

"I Have been... I feel like I'm close to something, but maybe that something is out of reach because I'm looking at it in the wrong lighting." He decided.

Linus smiled, though no one would've seen it. "You'll figure it out. I know you will."

Rocky made a hum. "You're right..." Linus could hear what sounded like a laptop being shut on the other end, then a bit of walking. "I'm gonna have to go now... But before I do, Have you showered? Changed your clothes recently?"

Truthfully, Linus hadn't done either. In fact, now that he thought about it, he'd worn the same set of pajamas three nights in a row... And they were starting to feel greased with sweat and body oders alike. "No, but I will... I just wanna finsh my food first."

"Alright. Take care of yourself, Ya hear Heere?"

Linus managed a small chuckle. "I will, I promise."

* * *

A few minutes after the phone call, Linus had finished off his ramen and gone upstairs to shower. He'd tossed off his currently disgusting clothes, seeking the comfort of his well loved bathrobe as he set them into a laundry basket... The sight of which nearly gave him a headache. It was well overfilled by this point, and admittedly made his room a little smellier than he'd like. Yet he wasn't really up to deal with it, and tucked them away in his closet for a bit to reduce his stress. He'd clean his clothes eventually, He told himself, but he really wanted to clean himself first.

Once he'd gotten the water up to a tempurature he liked, he let himself be drenched by it... And that alone was a very comforting feeling, even without soap he could feel a good ammount of grime being washed away. It was nice, he thought, nothing ever felt quite as good as a nice shower. He looked around for a soap bar, finding none... Hm. He stepped back out for a moment, raiding through a few cabinates and drawers. Still, no soap to be found... In fact, now that he thought about it, he'd run out of soap a few days ago and was supposed to go out and buy more.

**You Lazy Lazy _Lazy Oaf_.**

He shook his head, hobbling back to the comfort of the warm water... He just scrubbed his body with shampoo today. He was mostly hair anyways, it likely wouldn't be much of a difference. All that mattered was he finished his shower cleaner than when he started it, otherwise it wasn't a very effective shower.

**It'd be more effective if you had bought soap like you were supposed to.**

Linus found himself subconciously turning up the temperature valve as he rinsed himself, watching the sudsy water sink down the drain.

**You should get out now, you've been in far too long.**

He stayed, his hand still slowly turning the water hotter and hotter. His skin turned a reddish-color, and it burned somewhat... But whatever pain had been there was slowly eased away...

Then, suddenly, The water was shockingly cold. Linus shut off the valve, shaking his nerves away. He'd turned the valve so much it'd gone towards the coldest part of the cold water instead. He looked down at himself for a moment, feeling unsure of his own shame. He took a deep breath, letting his feelings leave him as he sighed. Then, he dried off and changed into his clean clothes.

...Now came the stressful part. The laundry. He looked at the basket for a moment, then hoisted it up and carried it back downstairs to the laundry room. He didn't really bother much to sort them, instead opting to throw half his clothes in and just thow in some detergent...

Detergent, Detergent, Detergent... But there was none.

**...Oh, wonderful, you're out of that too? Tsk Tsk. If you did your laundry sooner maybe you would have noticed.**

"Oh be quiet." Linus snapped. The voice ceased once again. He glanced down at his watch... Ah, he'd left it in the bathroom. He pulled out his phone. 4:30... He and Jeremy usually ate dinner at around 6... Though, tonight was looking like a leftovers night (He couldn't remember if he even saw leftovers).

He walked to the couch, flipped the tv to a random channel, and slouched in to relax himself. He wasn't paying much attention to what was on, really... He just liked the noise better than complete silence. He let his mind drift away, not into slumber but into a state of numbness... Not unlike the numbness he'd started his day with (Though, maybe just slightly less intense).

* * *

He heard the front door open and shut a few moments later (Or at least it felt like a few moments, but the reality was that it was likely much later)... There was a bit of walking around, and some rummaging. Then, before he knew it, another weight was joining him on the couch.

"Hey." Jeremy spoke quietly, as though he could read some of the air in the room.

Linus looked at him, not frowning but not quite smiling either (Though, rest assured, he was happy to see him). "Hi Son, how was your day?"  
  
"Alright." Jeremy replied, "Me, Rich, and Christine hung out at the mall for a bit." He paused for a moment, and Linus knew immediately it was a concerned silence. "Did you do something today?"

**Nothing productive.**

"...Nothing productive." Linus sighed, slouching further into the couch.

Jeremy's brows furrowed a bit. "Who said it had to be productive?" His son leaned into his shoulder. "Tell me what you did, I don't care what it was."

"Well," Linus began, "I ate ramen for breakfast out on the back porch, talked with Rocky on the phone for a few minutes; He might come over tomorrow actually, and after that I took a shower..." He picked a bit of lint off of his shirt. "I tried to do laundry but... We were out of detergent and I got overwhelmed."

Jeremy hummed. "Well you brought your clothes downstairs, right? I'd say that was productive enough."

Linus thought about it for a moment. "...I suppose it is." He didn't quite believe it fully, but to him at least admitting it was a little comforting.

He felt a pair of arms wrap over his shoulders "We can buy some detergent tomorrow, okay?"

Linus looked at his fingers, tapping them. "We also need more food and bar soap."

Jeremy nodded. "I'll start a list." He got up, supposidly to do just that.

Linus turned over a bit. "Um, Jeremy?" His son stopped, looking back at him. "Do you want me to make some Pizza? I know we at least have enough here for that."

Jeremy seemed happy to hear this. "Sure! I was kind of craving Pizza, actually. Can I help?"

Linus smiled. "Of course, Son. That'd be wonderful."

The shopping list had been forgotton temporarily, in favor of making dinner... But once the crust was in the oven the two of them began taking inventory and deciding what they'd like to have for the upcoming week. It was a small thing, but it kept the little voice in Linus's head at bay... And it meant he did three productive things instead of just one. Though it may not have been one of his better days, he'd at least say that making and eating a pizza with his son was one of his better memories (He hadn't even noticed they ate at 7:30 instead of 6)... And something he'd think back on more than anything demeaning voice in his head.


End file.
